Dear Alice – The Myth of Wedded Bliss

Dear Alice,
I’ve been married for nearly one year and it’s true what they say, it is the hardest. Things have changed for the worst in our relationship. We are best friends and do everything together, text all day when we’re apart, yet we aren’t having sex. I love him more than anything and I want our marriage to work. He’s been trying to make an effort and I appreciate that but it’s just not enough. I want him to dress better and take pride in his appearance, respect his body and eat healthier. But he doesn’t. I don’t know what else to do, I’ve tried everything. I feel like I can’t talk to him about it anymore because he just shuts down. Please help me!
– Lauren

Thanks for writing in Lauren, it sounds like you certainly are caught between a rock and a hard place. The good news is that all relationships can become stale, so you are not alone in this struggle. Sexual issues are never any fun for anyone and it sounds as though this issue is a symptom of a larger problem for your husband. Relationships take work however you can only control what happens on your side of the fence. Putting up boundaries does not mean that you lose connection, it means that your connection grows in the right places. I ask that you continue to express yourself and articulate your needs, try not to shy away from hard conversations. One principle that may be useful in this situation is – ‘lovers not friends’; having a close relationship is fantastic, but there is such a thing as being ‘too close’. You want your partner to be salacious and irresistible, not somebody that discusses their bowel movements with you. An important part of maintaining a healthy relationship is spending time apart with your friends, this is where it is appropriate for you to discuss things that may not be very attractive to one another. Another principle that could be helpful is – ‘dress to impress’; it’s probably a fair generalisation to say that sometimes men do not care as much about fashion as women do. Men, if your partner cares about style and appearances but you don’t, make an effort for her. Dress to impress her. Show your partner through your behaviour how much they mean to you; making an effort says to your partner, “I am proud, I am worthy and I care about you”. Another idea to improve intimacy in the right places is to implement a date night once a week, or at the bare minimum, fortnightly. Make it happen, no excuses, no exceptions. You must both dress to impress, even if it’s just eating Thai down the road. How about planning three-monthly weekends (or weekdays) away, even if it’s just a drive in the country. Being intimate is not just about sex, spending quality time together is going to help you both feel closer. Something that I am passionate about in relationships is creating meaningful interactions over constant contact. Try not to message or talk all day every day, save all your stories so that when you meet again you have so much to say, and so much to relive together. There has been some interesting studies on relationships and it has been found that happy couples are defined by how they relate to one another at the end of the day. Go for an ‘in-person connection’, turn off the tv, put down the phones and look each other in the eyes and talk about your day. Be present and engaged and show each other that you’re interested and worthy of one another’s time. Make conscious choices. You only have limited energy and time and it’s important to spend quality time together. By investing energy, thought, conversation and time into your relationship you will ultimately be happier for it, and if this doesn’t help then consider couples counselling or speaking with a sex therapist. Best of Luck to you both!