Dear Alice – Once a Cheater, Always a…?

Dear Alice,
A few weeks ago, at a work party, a colleague and I ended up going home together. We were both drunk and we had a lot of fun together. We really connected and have been dating since. The only problem is that she has a boyfriend and they live together. She says she wants to leave but she’s afraid of conflict. I want to be with her but I know it’s the wrong thing to do. I don’t know what to do Alice, I’ve been cheated on before and I never wanted to be ‘that guy’, please help me!
– Dave

Hi Dave,
This sounds like quite the pickle you have found yourself in! In my opinion, the chances of a happy ending here are not great; you have many obstacles to overcome. Clearly the first problem is the boyfriend. Lying and dishonesty is never a good plan. In order to do the ‘right thing’ and avoid being ‘that guy’, you need to stop being intimate with this woman. You need to tell her that you will respect her situation and give her time to resolve it. Give her a date by communicating, “By this date you will have told your partner that you want to break up.” You need to step away and allow her to end the relationship on her own. Please do not be her ‘saviour’ and whatever happens, please don’t offer your house for her to move into. She needs to put her big girl pants on and end it for her, not for you. Some people have a pattern of serial monogamy, where they are so afraid of being alone that they line up partners to overlap. You may think that this was a romantic accident but I’d say subconsciously, it’s all apart of her plan to avoid uncomfortable feelings. Say she ends it, she stands on her own two feet and you start officially dating; you both get what you want. You will sail along smoothly but you will always have a nagging feeling that she could be cheating on you. How are you going to find peace within this distrust? If you proceed, you need to accept that she will most likely do to you, what was done to the last guy. You can still enjoy your time together; surrender to the unknown, be comfortable within your self, give unconditional love, trust and understanding and know that whatever the outcome, it was worth it. If you can do this, fantastic! If you can’t, you will not be secure in the relationship. When a relationship starts in dishonesty, it is going to be quite difficult to change that. You need to be prepared for the hard work that awaits you. The next question that I would ask is; What is it about you, that attracts you to a hot mess of a situation? Why don’t you find someone that is drama-free? Are you confusing passion and toxicity? This is a great opportunity to reflect on your own self and question what type of partner you need in your life. Be honest with yourself, because if you can identify that you consciously choose a dramatic whirlwind experience, then you may be able to accept the outcome and avoid damaging your heart further. Just try to align your behaviours with your values and protect your integrity, no one else is worth loosing yourself. Beware and good luck Dave.